The Gloves Are Off!

Let me first state that I don’t often get into debates with people. I have opinions about things that differ from the norm sometimes however I don't often share them. I tend to just smile and agree with someone, even though I might think they are wrong and I am right. Just to avoid things getting heated, because I am known not to let things go.

I am not writing this to open floodgates for debate. This post is from my personal opinion, and is not like anything else I have posted before. I am my authentic self on my blog, which means that I post what I feel.  This post is not to be controversial but it is something that touches me personally, deeply and is something that I am passionate about. It is also to give a little insight into my life, and how I don't see it as being different from anyone else's.

Regular readers know that I am in a loving committed relationship with a woman. I’m gay. And we recently welcomed a baby via IVF using anonymous donor sperm.
So we are two mums raising our daughter, E.  I have taken to motherhood like a duck to water (if I do say so myself) especially given that my partner actually gave birth. I have fallen hard for E, I think she is a legend, and she is as much mine as she is my partners. That’s all there is to it.

Last night I watched a documentary on the ABC about children growing up with gay parents. It was made by a girl, Maya Newell, who was raised with two mums. She asked other “gaybies” (A ridiculous term, but oh well) themselves questions that seem to be in asked by those that are against same sex parents.

Do the children end up gay themselves? Do they get bullied or harassed because of their parents? Do they feel that they miss out on something not having parents of both genders?

All fair enough questions. And the documentary itself was brilliantly done. Maya showed snippets of the lives from these kids, showing how they deal with everyday situations that regular (is there such a thing) families deal with. She spoke to advocates against gay people raising children, Fred Nile and Janet Albrechtsen, and let them share their views. There were no debates, arguments or heated discussions at all. (They did a good job of making themselves look like bigoted fools though.) Overall it was a great documentary from a different perspective, shining the light on a sensitive topic at the moment.

I would have thought I would be feeling great after watching this. The children were fine and well adjusted, some were gay, some were straight and their families all talked openly about their situations. However I didn’t feel good after watching it and it surprised me. I started doubting my choice to have a child in my situation  and with my lifestyle. There was never a doubt that we would have a child together and now that she is here I cannot imagine not having her. However I started  worrying that I have destined her with a life of being different, challenges that other children might not face and growing up with what is seen as ‘not normal’.

Have we been completely selfish to put an innocent child through this? She didn’t ask for gay parents. Will she get bullied at school and teased as being ‘gay’ just because her parents are lesbians? Will she miss out on the things that dads do with their kids? Having not had my dad in my life for the last 13 years because he passed away, I know what it feels like, but she will never know the difference so is that a worthy worry? Once we inform her of her creation will she feel less of a bond with me because I didn’t carry her and she isn’t biologically linked to me?

These are questions I have asked myself all morning. I was crying in the shower as I got ready for work, because as a parent you will do anything to protect your child and I felt guilty that I might have given E difficulties that she didn’t deserve. Made her life hard somehow.

I have had more time to think about it and I now think differently. 

Here is why:
·         Our child was thought about for a long time, a lot of money was spent to get her and we wanted her SO bad. This means that she wasn’t an accident, she was well thought out and desired.  We were prepared (well as well as you can be seeing as nothing really prepares you for parenthood) and we went into this willingly.
·         Our child receives more love than I think she knows what to do with. She has two families that adore her, many friends that we have in our lives are now in hers and will support her throughout her life, as well as having two mums that dote on her daily. We are beyond lucky to have the support from everyone in our lives. We are blessed.
·         Our child has men in her life. She has uncles (real ones through family), uncles (friend’s husbands and partners), great uncles, cousins and importantly a Poppy that adores her. So in terms of being around men, I think we have that one covered. Plus so many children grow up without father figures these days, so how is our situation any different?
·         She will learn that in our house everyone is welcome and accepted. Any gender, any sexual orientation, any religion, any colour are all welcome. She will not label people and will learn to accept people for who they are inside and not what they look like.
·         She will learn of her conception when it is time, and know that she was wanted more than anything by two mums that love her more than she could ever know.
·         There will be nothing but honesty in our family, no secrets. She will never be afraid to tell us that she has a boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever she chooses.

Ultimately, our family is like any other family. We will have arguments as E grows and becomes her own little person, striving for independence. She is already testing boundaries and showing her personality. We will gently guide her in the right direction, let her make her choices, be there when she makes mistakes (which will happen), and will support her in all aspects. We will take her to her activities, be it netball, footy, dancing or piano or whatever else she chooses. We will have lazy Sundays, go to the park with our dog on weekends, and spend hot days at the beach. We will read before bed, sing songs and have our own little family jokes that no one else will get.  There will be highs and lows, but at the end of the day we will have each other’s backs and will be there for each other.

Parents love their children and are only ever trying to do their best and the best for them, whether it’s a mum and a dad, two dads or two mums, single mum, single dad or even grandparents, aunties, uncles or older brothers/sisters raising children. We all love them more than we ever thought we could love anything, and will fight HARD for them to have every chance of living a brilliant, full life.  

I suppose I do have strong opinions on this, for obvious reasons. And this is the reason I chose to write this post. I needed to get this out.   I refuse to feel guilty, and E won't know anything different than growing up in a house full of love.

Surely children growing up in a loving environment is more important that who they receive that love from.

I am lucky to be in the situation I am in and judging by the documentary Growing Up Gayby, gay parents so far have raised some amazing children, just like their straight counterparts. I rest my case. 

I welcome other opinions however if you are rude, and if you diss my family you are not welcome here.


Spectacular Soul - Che Johnson

Che Johnson is the magical soul behind The Polka Dot Flamingo. How rad is that name! I first came across Che and her blog while perusing online spaces (as I tend to do a lot!), clicked on her site, read some of her stuff and realised that I liked this girl. She seemed very much like me, and not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Haha.

Che is honest, gorgeous and writes from her heart. She shares her ups and downs, while trying to inspire others to be awesome.  We connected online, support each others blogs and writings, but most of all each other.  I know you'll love her just as much as me, and I thought that she would be the perfect person to interview for my Spectacular Soul series.  Make sure you visit her blog - she has a brilliant new series of posts she will be starting.  Exciting times ahead for this girl, and I can't wait to watch everything that the universe has in store for her to unfold.


1. Introduce yourself in three sentences.I'm a Social Worker by day and a blogger by morning and night. Sunshine, lavender, furry friends, loved ones, wholesome food and alone time fill me with joy. My favourite thing to do is laugh - HARD!  

2. Share with us a day in the life of Che
No two days are the same in the life of Che but to give you an example, this was my day yesterday ...An early start at work and a super rad work day. An early finish and a visit to the pub for a sneaky cider. Volunteering. Puppy walk. Cuddles with my loved one. Blogging goodness. Trash TV. Bed.
A rather nice day in my eyes! 

3. What is your guilty pleasure?
I have not one, but three, guilty pleasures! Chocolate, ice cream and reality TV (some of which I admit are low brow and trashIy). I love them. Especially when I can have them all at the same time!

4. Why do you do what you do (BIG QUESTION!)
I do what I do because I care about people. I want everyone to have a happy life and I want everyone to reach their full potential. I want people to meet me/speak with me/read my work and walk away feeling positive, hopeful and inspired to create beauty in their own lives. That's all! Simple really!   

5. What are you really digging at the moment?
Plastic shoes, versatile pieces, podcasts, Gala Darling, yoga, time alone and coconut yoghurt. 

6. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Oooo I love this. I'm thinking big in the hope that the universe will hear me and give me a helping hand! I see me working for myself and doing something that I LOVE. Having a place to call home. Being in a healthy and loving relationship. Travelling. That's all. That would fill my heart. 

7. What lessons have you learnt since starting your blog?
My goodness I've learnt SO much since I started blogging! I'll share with you the two biggest lessons that I've learnt: 1. We can do anything that we set our minds to. ANYTHING! It just takes courage (sometimes a heck of a lot of it) and self belief.2. The more we do something, the less scary it becomes. I used to have severe heart palpitations when I would press 'publish' on a blog post. I used to freak out thinking, 'oh my god, what will people think', 'maybe it's not good enough', 'what if no-one reads it'. Now I don't even think twice, I LOVE pressing 'publish'! Just like anything in life, the more we expose ourselves to something, the more we get used to it. Anxious in social settings? Get the heck out there and socialise! Driving freak you out? You gotta do it babe! Give yourself time, be patient and be brave! 

8. Why do you believe you have A Spectacular Life?
I know I have A Spectacular Life! I feel it in my bones! Every day I challenge myself to grow, reflect and learn. I make decisions that are right for me. I prioritise myself. Everything that I do feels good and right and wholesome (most of the time). That's what drives me to connect with people - I want them to feel this way too because I know that it is possible. It excites me to think of women out there waking up every morning with a great big smile on their face feeling ready to take on the world! 

On this (watch out, here comes a bit of shameless self promotion) I have just launched a new feature on my blog called 'Hello Flamingo'. It's a grown ups version of 'Dear Dolly' - haha! In order to move forward and live 'A Spectacular Life', I think that it's sometimes necessary to trawl through our past experiences and baggage. We need to understand ourselves. Some people find talking about their experiences to be scary/embarrassing/confronting - hence why I gave birth to 'Hello Flamingo'. It's a 100% anonymous space for people to post questions that they have about all things life, love and the crazy stuff in between. I will respond to these questions via a Facebook post, blog post or in my monthly newsletter. Not only will people be helping themselves, but they will also be helping others by asking questions about the challenges that so many of us experience but often sweep under the rug. Together we can feel good and reduce stigma! You can input your question directly here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/8BJY9D3 or head on over the the blog. 

See - what a doll.

Give Che some love with a comment, or head over to her blog and connect with her there.

Keep smiling

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Out of the Closet....in a way - kinda.

I was never really in the closet.
I kinda just fell into my life now, after a few crazy messed up choices led me there. I was on a path of self destruction and I succeeded, if I'm honest.  I lost who I was as a person.

I hurt people, lied and put some friends in super hard positions.  For awhile there, life kinda sucked and I was super down wondering how the hell I was going to move forward.

BUT.......I came to realise that if I had not gone down that path then I wouldn't be here now.

Married (of course not legally - DO NOT get me started!) to an amazing woman.
Mother to a beautiful gorgeous baby girl that lights up my world.
Honest in every aspect of my life now.

Most of all - HAPPY.

So how did I get here? I have no freakin idea.

I never set out to be......a lesbian. Not that I call myself that, but I know that others use the word to describe me. I prefer gay, but even then it's not like I introduce myself to people:

"Hi, I'm Nic and I'm gay. Yep, a lezzo."

To me, my life is just as normal as anyone else's, straight, gay or whatever.
I love someone that loves me, and I want to be with that person for the rest of my life.
The fact that she is a woman does not factor in anything at all. Love is love to me.

I was super lucky in that my family are beyond amazing with the situation. My mum didn't bat an eyelid, she was just happy as long as I was happy. And it was obvious to her that I was. To see her with her granddaughter makes my heart swell, and I am happy that I could give her that joy.

The rest of my family were the same, as well as all my friends. They could see that I was happy, after seeing me heading towards rock bottom.  Some friendships were challenged, and some haven't recovered so well but that is to be expected. Of course I don't like it but I have to deal with it.

So all in all, I am one of the lucky ones. Some people aren't as lucky as me, and it breaks my heart. I can't imagine how I would have been if I didn't have as much support as I had, and still get. Especially now that we have our baby, it overwhelms me. I have brilliant people in my life and I don't ever want to take that for granted again.

So in terms of my 'coming out' story - that's it. I wasn't ever in there, so I never really came out. But my path to get here wasn't easy and was shithouse at times.

I wouldn't change it for the world, because everything happens for a reason and I am right where I need to be.

Keep smiling