Honest and Ashamed

This  post is not what I initially set out to write. Something happened today that has caused me to shift my views and take a long hard look at myself.

For quite awhile now I have wanted (italicised due to the importance of this word) a MacBook Pro. Since I started blogging and getting all creative I felt like it would make me a serious writer and hipster. All the cool kids have one. So I wanted one too. ( Just to go off track a teensy tiny bit here, that is usually how I roll with things that I want. I want something, so I get it. I'm quite impulsive like that. Buy now, think later. It's not a good trait at all, and since meeting my partner I have kerbed my impulsiveness, but it doesn't stop me wanting something.  And now I am not in control of the budget at all, a very very wise move.)

Back to the MacBook Pro. I have been nagging at my partner to get me one. I couldn't get it myself you see, because that would be terribly selfish of me. New baby, bills and debts to pay - there is no way I could go and spend $1500 on a computer for myself.  Especially when we already have a great laptop, as well as an iPad (which I wanted too), and don't get me wrong I use it all the time, but now I want something else. Both of those are perfectly fine for the blogging I do, and given that I have just started they will easily do the job until I start to get a little more serious.  But if it was bought for me as a gift, then I would feel no guilt - and still get what I want.

I even tried to convince my partner to get me one today, to surprise me when I got home. I then started getting excited, thinking that she might actually get it for me. I started imagining sitting at the table at home and playing around on it. Mine. All for me. Sheesh, what a flog.

So when I realised that I wasn't getting it, even as a surprise, I felt really disappointed. I have all the logic in my head - it's expensive, I can blog without it, we have other debts to pay. But I can't help how I feel. And I felt it so strongly. I don't need one, I want one.

Something snapped me out of this deluded fantasy over a computer. A freakin' computer. Yes it would be great to have, I know that, but life would continue without it. It's a thing. Just something tangible.

I was checking Facebook to distract myself from the bitter disappointment I felt (cringe) and I saw a picture that a friend had shared from the Boston bombings on my news feed. You might have seen it, it's all over the news. It's of a guy who was running for charity and lost both of his legs in the blast. The uncut picture is very graphic and I happened to see it.

It's a good thing I did. It snapped me back from being a douche bag  Here I was, wanting a computer, when this guy can possibly never walk again.

It put things into perspective and made me take a long hard look at myself. How pathetic I am. I know that life sometimes deals us curve balls and everyone goes through things, but it's time I start appreciating what I have instead of wishing for more. Be thankful and grateful that I can wake up everyday with a roof over my head, kiss the people I hold dear and breathe. So what if I don't get another computer. Is it really that important? The disappointment I was feeling was gone. My chest started hurting and I felt terribly upset. I was guilty. Not guilty for wanting it really, but guilty because I was so upset that I wasn't getting it.

Time to re-evaluate and focus on nothing but positive things. As embarrassed and ashamed as I am about my desire for something trivial and disappointment at not getting what I want, I needed to share this because sometimes we all need to take some perspective on things. We need to appreciate the little things more, and what we have. And be thankful.

I know I am. I'm thankful that I can walk everyday - and thankful that the man in the picture had people supporting him and getting him to safety. I feel so sad about the bombings, but my happiness for the people that have helped others when they didn't have to and therefore put themselves in danger way outweighs that. Focus on the good things. Of course it is perfectly fine to be upset, in fact you need to get it out to deal with things. Then you need to pick yourself up and focus on what's good in this world. Focus on the good things in your life. Some people are bad, but more people are good.  And it's the goodness in people that makes this world such a brilliant place.

Sorry for the rant and the seriousness, but part of this whole blogging process is to be honest and put myself out there. It's to make me become a better person and I feel that this is a big step forward. It's ok to want things, everyone does. But the learning curve was more about HOW upset I got when I didn't get what I want. That is what I am going to change. Starting now.

To everyone involved in the Boston bombings, my thoughts are with you.